A writer in 9th grade asks for help on a paper with the prompt: "Who is your role model and what have you learned from him/her?" Our writer is happy with the essay structure and evidence and argument and would like feedback on transitions, sentence structures, and the introduction and conclusion.
Dear Writer,
I'd be happy to give you some feedback on this paper.
First, you identify three great topics: Obama's character, his intelligence, and his ability to inspire, and you do provide plenty of proof.
Before I move on to some of the stylistic concerns you mentioned, let's talk about your main ideas.
Organization
You set the reader up to expect three body paragraphs: on character, intelligence and inspiration.
In your first body paragraph, you talk about overcoming hardship. This relates to character, but you need to draw a clearer connection that it is through his character that he overcame those hardships.
For intelligence, you offer only the proof that he was accepted to Harvard Law School (not University). President Elect Obama is a very intelligent man and I'm sure you can dig up more proof. My husband and some of my dearest friends attended that law school and I was in Cambridge with my husband during his law school years; so, I can tell you first hand that acceptance to Harvard Law is not proof-positive of intelligence. That was a bit of a joke--but you do need more evidence here.
Your third paragraph is about perseverance, more than about inspiration. That's another good reason to admire Obama, but you seem to lose track of your outline, here.
Evidence
With your evidence in general, you need to cite ideas that are not your own or facts that are not "common knowledge." Some of your conclusions are different than those I have read, so I am wondering if you have support for these ideas? For example, I had not read that it was racism that led Barack Obama to experiment with drugs.
In general some of these ideas seem to rely more on stereotypes of black Americans, when, in fact, some black Americans felt that Barack Obama's childhood did not share common characteristics of the "black American experience." This was an issue earlier on in the primary, with some black leaders questioning whether Barack Obama was "black enough." Obama gave an excellent speech about race after remarks by his pastor appeared in the media and I would read and quote and discuss this speech in any paper Obama.
You can certainly discuss racism, but you need to provide supporting quotes, anecdotes, etc.
Just make sure your facts are solid and cited and that the conclusions you draw are based upon those facts.
Moving onto the stylistic aspects of the paper:
You vary your sentence structure very well, especially for someone in the 9th grade. Your transition well from one idea to the next.
What I would concentrate on here is:
1. Demonstrate your ideas with your evidence and logic, rather than say "I am going to prove" or "I think that." Strike "I" entirely from your paper, unless you are reflecting on a personal experience, such as watching Obama on television. For example, in your first paragraph, you might change this to: "Barack Obama's rise from hardship to the highest office in the United States makes him an excellent role model. Through his character, his intelligence, and his ability to inspire, he has overcome a broken home, racism, and poverty."
2. Choose the best word for the idea, rather than the biggest word in the thesaurus. There are several times when you use a word that does not quite fit with either the idea you are trying to convey or you do not use the word properly. Here are some examples:
- deemed an orphan = became an orphan (or was orphaned)
- racism was very prominent = racism was very prevalent
- he suffered through many accounts of racism = Obama endured many instances of racism
One of the best way to spot awkward constructions or incorrect usage is to read the paper out loud. If you stumble over something, then trust your intuition and fix that phrase. If English is a second language for you, you may need to find a native speaker to help you spot some of these issues. Colloquial phrases can cause difficulties for even the most talented and fluent of writers in a second language.
Your Conclusion
You have good instincts, bringing this back to what you have learned from Obama. Up the stakes and bring a higher impact to this last paragraph. How has Obama affected you specifically? And, even better, SHOW us, rather than tell us about this impact. Maybe you've had to overcome something similar to Obama? Or maybe sometimes you are tempted to take the easy way and then you think about Obama's example of hard work and perseverance? Describe a situation in which Obama's model has inspired you to do more or be a better person.
Recommendations
To revise your paper, I suggest considering which topics you want to pursue for your three paragraphs and make sure those paragraphs match what you outline in your introduction. Then, make sure you support and cite your assertions. Third, read your paper out loud (to someone, if possible) to spot any grammar or syntax errors. Finally, consider why Obama really is a role model to you and describe an instance where his example influenced you.
Hope this helps!
