Personal Narrative for College Freshman English Class: The Price of Popularity

We have our first writer joining us, requesting my feedback on an assignment for her college freshman English class.

If you would like to submit a paper for advice and guidance, you can read more about the 100% free, simple process and my qualifications.

Our writer has asked me to examine her "focus, coherence, and flow."

She has a personal narrative due and has made the bold choice to relate an upsetting experience that ultimately convinced her to leave her previous school.

A personal narrative is a person's memory of key events or experiences, told from his or her unique perspective. Essentially, a personal narrative is a "true story."

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Dear Writer,

Thank you for sending me your paper to read.

The Paper's Strengths -- A Compelling Narrative and Strong Message

First, I just want to acknowledge your brave choice of topic. I didn't feel I could continue with an analysis of the paper without first saying that.

Relating such a personal and upsetting story can be very difficult. Sometimes writers try place distance between themselves and the events. However, what is called for in a personal narrative is to get personal--to bring the reader there with you.

You tell a compelling story, with an important and clear message. You maintain a coherent story line.

You also generally use appropriate and varied vocabulary--though I would suggest revisiting some of your choices to make sure the paper is truly in your "voice."

The Personal Narrative -- Show, Don't Tell:

Without having seen the assignment, I do not have a lot to go on in terms of fulfilling the Professor's requirements. However, given that you call the assignment a "personal narrative," my biggest overall suggestion is to show, not tell. You spend a good portion of the paper setting up your story and explaining to the reader how you want her to interpret the story. Focus on telling the story itself and allow the reader to draw his or her own conclusions.

You are consistent in your use of tense, choosing to use the past tense. Try re-writing a paragraph in the present tense and see which you prefer. The present tense may create a more intense, dramatic effect.

A narrative needs a beginning, middle, and an end, but it does not require an "introduction" and a "conclusion" in the same way that your traditional five paragraph paper would.

When writing a short narrative, it is usually a good idea to reduce the time frame of the story and increase the detail you provide. A few pages could focus on just a single hour or even moment in time. Less (time) is more (detail).

Focus and Coherence:

Start us in a moment--perhaps when you receive that acceptance letter? Don't tell us you have mixed emotions, describe how you feel at that moment. Put us there with you. You are opening the letter, half hoping, half fearing it is your key to a new life--how does your stomach feel? Your knees? Where are you? Does your room perhaps give us some indication of the life you are leaving behind? Describe it, but don't tell us what to think about it.

Then take us to one of those wild evenings. What are the smells, the sights, the sounds?

The strongest part right now of the narrative is when you are opening the door:

I turned on the television and began typing my notes for a Tuesday morning class, when I heard a knock at the door. I picked up my bags believing it was my family. I opened the door only to discover, Sam. Lynchburg’s great football player and a guy many said I would be lucky to date.

I hesitated, I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my head and Maria's voice rang over and over. “Pris, you’re not that hot, get over yourself and be friends with Sam.” I welcomed Sam in and told him I had so much homework to finish and my family was going to be here in just a few moments. I knew Sam liked me and I had made it clear I was not interested. Sam laid on the floor and I sat on the couch and made polite conversation.

You describe and you narrate the events. You could even go further. How did the weight of the bags feel on your shoulders, knowing you were heading home? How did you feel when it was Sam, instead of Dad (or another relative), at the door? What does Sam look like? Describe how you used body language to emphasize your lake of interest. Describe Sam's posture on the floor--what did he look like? Was he threatening? casual?

Flow:

I notice that you begin 20 (according to a quick count) of your sentences with "I." Vary your sentence structure to create more interest and a smoother style.

For example:

I still remember the day as if it happened only hours ago. I received my acceptance letter from Lynchburg. The mixed emotions within me felt overwhelming. My new life looked daunting from a distance and my heart wanted to cling to what I knew as home. I forced myself to believe this was a time to start over. I wouldn't be known as a home-schooled student in college and I decided to complete my knew identity by becoming a cheerleader.

Could become:

As I held the crisp white envelope from Lynchburg University in my hand, I felt queasy. With hope and dread, I carefully sliced the seal and pulled the letter from its sheathe. Reading the words of acceptance twice, just to make sure, I suddenly felt dizzy. My new life spread out before me into the distance and suddenly my heart wanted to cling to what I knew as home. Forcing myself to believe this was a time to start over, I checked the box indicating I would attend in the fall. No longer would I be known as a home-schooled student. To replace my old self and complete my new identity, I resolved to become a cheerleader.

Don't Forget to Proofreed

A big part of the flow is to tell the story in your own words. A few of the words, although correct in usage, seem out of place in your general narrative (tumultuous, for example). Others are not used in the correct form, such as "conformed religious faculty" (conformist), "unbuttoned moral atmosphere" (amoral or immoral), "Popularity is eluding" (elusive). Varying vocabulary is important, but search for words that best communicate your meaning, rather than tossing in "big words" to impress your reader.

Finally, I don't know if this is a draft or in the final stages, but you have a few fragments and minor errors (there for their, for example). Read the paper out loud to yourself to catch awkward phrasings, fragments, run-ons, and other issues with flow.

Summary:

You have a strong beginning and have the structure in place for a compelling and illuminating tale. My advice is to focus on sharing your story, using vivid imagery to draw in your reader.

I wish you the best of luck with your paper and at your new college!