Keep It Simple, Sweetheart

A writer asks for help with an English 100 paper. This is her second time taking the course, her professor has worked with her, and she knows her "weak spots" but does not know how to "catch them."

Her professor has told her that her ideas are sound but there "is at least one problem in each of [her] sentences" but proper wording "can not be taught."

I agree that this cannot be taught in the traditional sense, however, the eye and ear can be trained in the long term and there are tricks that may improve her writing in the short term.

The topic is about the motivations and passions of artists. In the writer's own words, the goal is "to discover what motives, passions, and influences an artist such as Bernini had and to assume that people who go to cultural, educational, and intellectual events will share those same motives, passions, and influences but to a lesser degree."

She needs to get him a new draft in two days to show that she is making progress.

Dear Writer:

Since you are on a tight deadline, I'm going to take a quick look.

Simplify Your Topic
Your phrasing of the topic sounds like it is in your own words--do you have an actual assignment from your professor? The way you word it is a bit vague and I think that may be part of the difficulty you are having in responding. If your understanding of the assignment is unclear, you'll have trouble writing a strong paper.

Writing about why people create art is difficult enough for professional art critics. To extend your article to audience members is making this task even harder. Did you add that to the assignment yourself, or is it a requirement? It would be simpler in a short paper to examine Bernini and why he felt compelled to create art or why he is considered a "great artist."

Simplify Your Grammar and Syntax

A lot of the errors you are making are usage errors.

Have you tried reading the paper out loud?

When you do this, certain phrases should just sound "wrong."

For example:

Gian Lorenzo Bernini was a man of well respect.

Would you ever say a phrase like that? People may be well-respected or held in high respect, but we don't say a person is "of well respect."

Your professor is right in that this isn't the sort of thing you learn in school--rather you learn it by reading good writers and listening to and speaking with others who have a good grasp of standard American English. I say standard because there are multiple dialects and many linguists believe all are equally valid--but for the purposes of passing this class, you need to become fluent in standard American English.

That's the long term solution. The short term solution is to read it out loud and/or, even better, print two copies and have someone read it out loud to you. If something doesn't make sense to you or sound right, mark it and then fix it.

Another problem students run into is they try to sound "smart" by using bigger words or more complex constructions.

It is better to write simply but correctly.

Simplify Your Argument

Your argument is also too convoluted and your evidence is not speaking directly to the point. Again, this is usually a symptom of trying to impress the grader, rather than simply trying to communicate. I understand that, of course, your motivation to write this paper is to pass the course.

However, the real point of writing is to communicate. Don't lose sight of that.

Let's take a look at your argument:

Thesis: "By discovering what motives, passions, and influences an artist like Gian Lorenzo Bernini had, I can assume that people who go to these cultural, educational, intellectual events will share those same motives, passions, and influences to a lesser degree."

I believe you are saying: People who enjoy art share the same motivations and passions as those who create art.

As your professor said, this is an interesting and worthwhile idea. You should not, however, say, that you can "assume" this to be true. You have to prove it. Also, never use the first person "I" in your argument.

First argument: Topic sentence is missing. However, I think you are trying to establish that Bernini was a brilliant artist.

What connects all of these seemingly unrelated facts? And how does this help to prove your thesis? Perhaps a more helpful take on his diverse talents would be to look at the curiosity about all aspects of life and how they fit together. Demonstrate this trait in Bernini and prove it exists in art lovers, as well.

Second argument: "People who pursue anything in culture, intellectual or scholarly activities will have an influence for that field."

Certainly a fair point. However, how does this help to prove your thesis? Are you saying that some event or person creates a spark that leads people to the arts? How is this true for Bernini? And then how is it true for audiences?

Third argument: You talk about Bernini surpassing his father.

Again, I do not know how this fits into your argument. It may but you have to make me see it. And you do not relate this back to the audience for art.

Overall, the paper reads more like a summary of a biography of Bernini than an argument about the nature of artists and those who appreciate art.

Outline Your Argument to Stay Organized

Write an outline of your argument and then only put supporting facts and ideas under the each point. Even if a fact is interesting, if it does not address your point, it does not belong in your paper.

For each main point, address both the master artist and the audience that appreciates the art.

For example, an outline might be (you should express your argument in the way that makes sense to you):

1. Great artists show a curiosity about the world that their audiences share.
2. Through their genius and their mastery of an art form, artists are able to communicate with their audience.
3. These artists express something about the human experience that their audiences share, but cannot express on their own.

You don't really get to the meat of your argument until the second to last paragraph:

Baldinucci reported, 'that the same fire that seared him more than others also impelled him to work harder than others who were not subject to such passions'. Bernini was able to spend up to seven hours at a time carving marble, showing stamina that his younger assistants could not sustain.* He remained 'so steadfastly at his work that he seemed to be in ecstasy, and it appeared from his eyes that he wanted his spirit to issue forth to give life to the stone'. It is possible to say that the people who go to the educational, culture, and intellectual events one could see the same passion in them** just to a lesser degree.

* Did you write this sentence...be careful that it isn't accidentally lifted from one of your sources

** The audience sees the passion in themselves? Or an observer would see the passion in the audience? Or the audience sees the passion in the art? Clarify this.

What great quotes! What passion and fire! And what a great idea that the viewer sees, senses, and shares this passion!

A question: Why did you choose Bernini?

Have you looked at any works by Bernini? Go and look...stare. Don't read the text in an art history book--really look at the art. Do you feel this passion, as well? What emotions does the work evoke in you? How does the work communicate these feelings? Can you see his commitment? Do you feel his sense of urgency? Are you drawn in? Would you go see his works in person? How would that be different than looking at them in a book? Based on that experience, why do people go to museums and concerts and other performances? Why do they feel that need?

Instead of trying to write a paper, try to communicate that urge to be in the presence of works of such masterful skill and passion.

I hope this helped. That's about all I can get to you on short notice. Best of luck!!!