Ground in Facts and then Soar with Rhetoric

A writer in 9th grade asks for help on a paper with the prompt: "Who is your role model and what have you learned from him/her?" Our writer is happy with the essay structure and evidence and argument and would like feedback on transitions, sentence structures, and the introduction and conclusion.

Dear Writer,

I'd be happy to give you some feedback on this paper.

First, you identify three great topics: Obama's character, his intelligence, and his ability to inspire, and you do provide plenty of proof.

Before I move on to some of the stylistic concerns you mentioned, let's talk about your main ideas.

Organization

You set the reader up to expect three body paragraphs: on character, intelligence and inspiration.

In your first body paragraph, you talk about overcoming hardship. This relates to character, but you need to draw a clearer connection that it is through his character that he overcame those hardships.

For intelligence, you offer only the proof that he was accepted to Harvard Law School (not University). President Elect Obama is a very intelligent man and I'm sure you can dig up more proof. My husband and some of my dearest friends attended that law school and I was in Cambridge with my husband during his law school years; so, I can tell you first hand that acceptance to Harvard Law is not proof-positive of intelligence. That was a bit of a joke--but you do need more evidence here.

Your third paragraph is about perseverance, more than about inspiration. That's another good reason to admire Obama, but you seem to lose track of your outline, here.

Evidence

With your evidence in general, you need to cite ideas that are not your own or facts that are not "common knowledge." Some of your conclusions are different than those I have read, so I am wondering if you have support for these ideas? For example, I had not read that it was racism that led Barack Obama to experiment with drugs.

In general some of these ideas seem to rely more on stereotypes of black Americans, when, in fact, some black Americans felt that Barack Obama's childhood did not share common characteristics of the "black American experience." This was an issue earlier on in the primary, with some black leaders questioning whether Barack Obama was "black enough." Obama gave an excellent speech about race after remarks by his pastor appeared in the media and I would read and quote and discuss this speech in any paper Obama.

You can certainly discuss racism, but you need to provide supporting quotes, anecdotes, etc.

Just make sure your facts are solid and cited and that the conclusions you draw are based upon those facts.

Moving onto the stylistic aspects of the paper:

You vary your sentence structure very well, especially for someone in the 9th grade. Your transition well from one idea to the next.

What I would concentrate on here is:

1. Demonstrate your ideas with your evidence and logic, rather than say "I am going to prove" or "I think that." Strike "I" entirely from your paper, unless you are reflecting on a personal experience, such as watching Obama on television. For example, in your first paragraph, you might change this to: "Barack Obama's rise from hardship to the highest office in the United States makes him an excellent role model. Through his character, his intelligence, and his ability to inspire, he has overcome a broken home, racism, and poverty."

2. Choose the best word for the idea, rather than the biggest word in the thesaurus. There are several times when you use a word that does not quite fit with either the idea you are trying to convey or you do not use the word properly. Here are some examples:

• deemed an orphan = became an orphan (or was orphaned)
• racism was very prominent = racism was very prevalent
  
• he suffered through many accounts of racism = Obama endured many instances of racism
  

One of the best way to spot awkward constructions or incorrect usage is to read the paper out loud. If you stumble over something, then trust your intuition and fix that phrase. If English is a second language for you, you may need to find a native speaker to help you spot some of these issues. Colloquial phrases can cause difficulties for even the most talented and fluent of writers in a second language.

Your Conclusion

You have good instincts, bringing this back to what you have learned from Obama. Up the stakes and bring a higher impact to this last paragraph. How has Obama affected you specifically? And, even better, SHOW us, rather than tell us about this impact. Maybe you've had to overcome something similar to Obama? Or maybe sometimes you are tempted to take the easy way and then you think about Obama's example of hard work and perseverance? Describe a situation in which Obama's model has inspired you to do more or be a better person.

Recommendations

To revise your paper, I suggest considering which topics you want to pursue for your three paragraphs and make sure those paragraphs match what you outline in your introduction. Then, make sure you support and cite your assertions. Third, read your paper out loud (to someone, if possible) to spot any grammar or syntax errors. Finally, consider why Obama really is a role model to you and describe an instance where his example influenced you.

Hope this helps!

Speech is Elementary: Never Give Up!

A writer in 5th Grade asks for help on her 5-7 minute speech, entitled "Never Give Up." She has asked that I focus on strengthening her intro and comment on the amount of detail. She's on a tight deadline (she has to finish the speech that night), but I am a sucker for a student in need!

Dear Writer:

First, a couple of thoughts about public speaking and speeches in general.

1. Write down notes (just key phrases and facts) on index cards. If you bring up a full speech written out word for word, you are going to end up reading from the paper, which is not as interesting and engaging as when you speak more naturally. This will also help you avoid awkward sentences because you will be speaking as if you were talking to a friend.
2. Look out at your audience. Remember you are trying to communicate with other people!
3. Speak more loudly and slowly than you think you should. People tend to rush when they are nervous. I advised Mock Trial when I was a teacher and I had one student who took this advice--the judge singled her out for praise because she spoke so clearly and well.
   

Opening
I think your opening question is brilliant.

Do you know what to do when giving up isn’t an option?
Well, this leads me into a story about the natural world.

I would just ask it a little more directly. "What do you do when giving up is not an option?" And I would suggest cutting "Well this leads me into..." In general, don't refer to the fact that you are giving a speech. There may be times when you wish to do this, but your transitions should be more natural.

Then, I would suggest expanding on that main idea--what do you mean by a situation when giving up is not an option? In the natural world, perseverance is often a matter of life or death. Think about why giving up is not an option in each of your stories.

Supporting Evidence -- Provide Context and Emphasize Your Point
You have some really interesting and amusing tales (the baboon stuck in the jaws of the crocodile, the mountain goat fleeing the wolf). Where did you find the first stories? You might provide some context. Is this a story people tell their children to teach them these values? Or is it something you saw on Animal Planet--the real life and death struggles of the natural world?

Really emphasize at the beginning and the end the "point" of your stories. Perseverance, sacrifice, and determination can overcome incredible odds.

Details, Details
I think you have plenty of detail. You could add some more from the "five senses" to really put your reader there.

As most of you know, baboons live in Africa, a hot place.
So, a baby baboon was taking a drink of water when all of a sudden an alligator caught its head!

In this example, how hot was it? Make us feel the heat so we know why the baboon would take the risk to drink from the dangerous pool. Don't overdo this, maybe just once in each story.

Overall, though, your sense of humor comes through and you have some really great ideas.

Get a good night's rest, eat a healthy breakfast, look up and speak slowly, and good luck with your speech tomorrow!

Keep It Simple, Sweetheart

A writer asks for help with an English 100 paper. This is her second time taking the course, her professor has worked with her, and she knows her "weak spots" but does not know how to "catch them."

Her professor has told her that her ideas are sound but there "is at least one problem in each of [her] sentences" but proper wording "can not be taught."

I agree that this cannot be taught in the traditional sense, however, the eye and ear can be trained in the long term and there are tricks that may improve her writing in the short term.

The topic is about the motivations and passions of artists. In the writer's own words, the goal is "to discover what motives, passions, and influences an artist such as Bernini had and to assume that people who go to cultural, educational, and intellectual events will share those same motives, passions, and influences but to a lesser degree."

She needs to get him a new draft in two days to show that she is making progress.

Dear Writer:

Since you are on a tight deadline, I'm going to take a quick look.

Simplify Your Topic
Your phrasing of the topic sounds like it is in your own words--do you have an actual assignment from your professor? The way you word it is a bit vague and I think that may be part of the difficulty you are having in responding. If your understanding of the assignment is unclear, you'll have trouble writing a strong paper.

Writing about why people create art is difficult enough for professional art critics. To extend your article to audience members is making this task even harder. Did you add that to the assignment yourself, or is it a requirement? It would be simpler in a short paper to examine Bernini and why he felt compelled to create art or why he is considered a "great artist."

Simplify Your Grammar and Syntax

A lot of the errors you are making are usage errors.

Have you tried reading the paper out loud?

When you do this, certain phrases should just sound "wrong."

For example:

Gian Lorenzo Bernini was a man of well respect.

Would you ever say a phrase like that? People may be well-respected or held in high respect, but we don't say a person is "of well respect."

Your professor is right in that this isn't the sort of thing you learn in school--rather you learn it by reading good writers and listening to and speaking with others who have a good grasp of standard American English. I say standard because there are multiple dialects and many linguists believe all are equally valid--but for the purposes of passing this class, you need to become fluent in standard American English.

That's the long term solution. The short term solution is to read it out loud and/or, even better, print two copies and have someone read it out loud to you. If something doesn't make sense to you or sound right, mark it and then fix it.

Another problem students run into is they try to sound "smart" by using bigger words or more complex constructions.

It is better to write simply but correctly.

Simplify Your Argument

Your argument is also too convoluted and your evidence is not speaking directly to the point. Again, this is usually a symptom of trying to impress the grader, rather than simply trying to communicate. I understand that, of course, your motivation to write this paper is to pass the course.

However, the real point of writing is to communicate. Don't lose sight of that.

Let's take a look at your argument:

Thesis: "By discovering what motives, passions, and influences an artist like Gian Lorenzo Bernini had, I can assume that people who go to these cultural, educational, intellectual events will share those same motives, passions, and influences to a lesser degree."

I believe you are saying: People who enjoy art share the same motivations and passions as those who create art.

As your professor said, this is an interesting and worthwhile idea. You should not, however, say, that you can "assume" this to be true. You have to prove it. Also, never use the first person "I" in your argument.

First argument: Topic sentence is missing. However, I think you are trying to establish that Bernini was a brilliant artist.

What connects all of these seemingly unrelated facts? And how does this help to prove your thesis? Perhaps a more helpful take on his diverse talents would be to look at the curiosity about all aspects of life and how they fit together. Demonstrate this trait in Bernini and prove it exists in art lovers, as well.

Second argument: "People who pursue anything in culture, intellectual or scholarly activities will have an influence for that field."

Certainly a fair point. However, how does this help to prove your thesis? Are you saying that some event or person creates a spark that leads people to the arts? How is this true for Bernini? And then how is it true for audiences?

Third argument: You talk about Bernini surpassing his father.

Again, I do not know how this fits into your argument. It may but you have to make me see it. And you do not relate this back to the audience for art.

Overall, the paper reads more like a summary of a biography of Bernini than an argument about the nature of artists and those who appreciate art.

Outline Your Argument to Stay Organized

Write an outline of your argument and then only put supporting facts and ideas under the each point. Even if a fact is interesting, if it does not address your point, it does not belong in your paper.

For each main point, address both the master artist and the audience that appreciates the art.

For example, an outline might be (you should express your argument in the way that makes sense to you):

1. Great artists show a curiosity about the world that their audiences share.
2. Through their genius and their mastery of an art form, artists are able to communicate with their audience.
3. These artists express something about the human experience that their audiences share, but cannot express on their own.

You don't really get to the meat of your argument until the second to last paragraph:

Baldinucci reported, 'that the same fire that seared him more than others also impelled him to work harder than others who were not subject to such passions'. Bernini was able to spend up to seven hours at a time carving marble, showing stamina that his younger assistants could not sustain.* He remained 'so steadfastly at his work that he seemed to be in ecstasy, and it appeared from his eyes that he wanted his spirit to issue forth to give life to the stone'. It is possible to say that the people who go to the educational, culture, and intellectual events one could see the same passion in them** just to a lesser degree.

* Did you write this sentence...be careful that it isn't accidentally lifted from one of your sources

** The audience sees the passion in themselves? Or an observer would see the passion in the audience? Or the audience sees the passion in the art? Clarify this.

What great quotes! What passion and fire! And what a great idea that the viewer sees, senses, and shares this passion!

A question: Why did you choose Bernini?

Have you looked at any works by Bernini? Go and look...stare. Don't read the text in an art history book--really look at the art. Do you feel this passion, as well? What emotions does the work evoke in you? How does the work communicate these feelings? Can you see his commitment? Do you feel his sense of urgency? Are you drawn in? Would you go see his works in person? How would that be different than looking at them in a book? Based on that experience, why do people go to museums and concerts and other performances? Why do they feel that need?

Instead of trying to write a paper, try to communicate that urge to be in the presence of works of such masterful skill and passion.

I hope this helped. That's about all I can get to you on short notice. Best of luck!!!

Personal Narrative for College Freshman English Class: The Price of Popularity

We have our first writer joining us, requesting my feedback on an assignment for her college freshman English class.

If you would like to submit a paper for advice and guidance, you can read more about the 100% free, simple process and my qualifications.

Our writer has asked me to examine her "focus, coherence, and flow."

She has a personal narrative due and has made the bold choice to relate an upsetting experience that ultimately convinced her to leave her previous school.

A personal narrative is a person's memory of key events or experiences, told from his or her unique perspective. Essentially, a personal narrative is a "true story."

---

Dear Writer,

Thank you for sending me your paper to read.

The Paper's Strengths -- A Compelling Narrative and Strong Message

First, I just want to acknowledge your brave choice of topic. I didn't feel I could continue with an analysis of the paper without first saying that.

Relating such a personal and upsetting story can be very difficult. Sometimes writers try place distance between themselves and the events. However, what is called for in a personal narrative is to get personal--to bring the reader there with you.

You tell a compelling story, with an important and clear message. You maintain a coherent story line.

You also generally use appropriate and varied vocabulary--though I would suggest revisiting some of your choices to make sure the paper is truly in your "voice."

The Personal Narrative -- Show, Don't Tell:

Without having seen the assignment, I do not have a lot to go on in terms of fulfilling the Professor's requirements. However, given that you call the assignment a "personal narrative," my biggest overall suggestion is to show, not tell. You spend a good portion of the paper setting up your story and explaining to the reader how you want her to interpret the story. Focus on telling the story itself and allow the reader to draw his or her own conclusions.

You are consistent in your use of tense, choosing to use the past tense. Try re-writing a paragraph in the present tense and see which you prefer. The present tense may create a more intense, dramatic effect.

A narrative needs a beginning, middle, and an end, but it does not require an "introduction" and a "conclusion" in the same way that your traditional five paragraph paper would.

When writing a short narrative, it is usually a good idea to reduce the time frame of the story and increase the detail you provide. A few pages could focus on just a single hour or even moment in time. Less (time) is more (detail).

Focus and Coherence:

Start us in a moment--perhaps when you receive that acceptance letter? Don't tell us you have mixed emotions, describe how you feel at that moment. Put us there with you. You are opening the letter, half hoping, half fearing it is your key to a new life--how does your stomach feel? Your knees? Where are you? Does your room perhaps give us some indication of the life you are leaving behind? Describe it, but don't tell us what to think about it.

Then take us to one of those wild evenings. What are the smells, the sights, the sounds?

The strongest part right now of the narrative is when you are opening the door:

I turned on the television and began typing my notes for a Tuesday morning class, when I heard a knock at the door. I picked up my bags believing it was my family. I opened the door only to discover, Sam. Lynchburg’s great football player and a guy many said I would be lucky to date.

I hesitated, I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my head and Maria's voice rang over and over. “Pris, you’re not that hot, get over yourself and be friends with Sam.” I welcomed Sam in and told him I had so much homework to finish and my family was going to be here in just a few moments. I knew Sam liked me and I had made it clear I was not interested. Sam laid on the floor and I sat on the couch and made polite conversation.

You describe and you narrate the events. You could even go further. How did the weight of the bags feel on your shoulders, knowing you were heading home? How did you feel when it was Sam, instead of Dad (or another relative), at the door? What does Sam look like? Describe how you used body language to emphasize your lake of interest. Describe Sam's posture on the floor--what did he look like? Was he threatening? casual?

Flow:

I notice that you begin 20 (according to a quick count) of your sentences with "I." Vary your sentence structure to create more interest and a smoother style.

For example:

I still remember the day as if it happened only hours ago. I received my acceptance letter from Lynchburg. The mixed emotions within me felt overwhelming. My new life looked daunting from a distance and my heart wanted to cling to what I knew as home. I forced myself to believe this was a time to start over. I wouldn't be known as a home-schooled student in college and I decided to complete my knew identity by becoming a cheerleader.

Could become:

As I held the crisp white envelope from Lynchburg University in my hand, I felt queasy. With hope and dread, I carefully sliced the seal and pulled the letter from its sheathe. Reading the words of acceptance twice, just to make sure, I suddenly felt dizzy. My new life spread out before me into the distance and suddenly my heart wanted to cling to what I knew as home. Forcing myself to believe this was a time to start over, I checked the box indicating I would attend in the fall. No longer would I be known as a home-schooled student. To replace my old self and complete my new identity, I resolved to become a cheerleader.

Don't Forget to Proofreed

A big part of the flow is to tell the story in your own words. A few of the words, although correct in usage, seem out of place in your general narrative (tumultuous, for example). Others are not used in the correct form, such as "conformed religious faculty" (conformist), "unbuttoned moral atmosphere" (amoral or immoral), "Popularity is eluding" (elusive). Varying vocabulary is important, but search for words that best communicate your meaning, rather than tossing in "big words" to impress your reader.

Finally, I don't know if this is a draft or in the final stages, but you have a few fragments and minor errors (there for their, for example). Read the paper out loud to yourself to catch awkward phrasings, fragments, run-ons, and other issues with flow.

Summary:

You have a strong beginning and have the structure in place for a compelling and illuminating tale. My advice is to focus on sharing your story, using vivid imagery to draw in your reader.

I wish you the best of luck with your paper and at your new college!

Free Writing Tutor

The concept is relatively simple:

You e-mail me a piece of writing (send to mamaluxe at gmail dot com) and if I choose it I will post it with some helpful (hopefully) suggestions for improving your work. I will e-mail you when and if I am able to mentor you on your paper. I will not share your e-mail with anyone else. If your parents prefer to send the message from that e-mail address, that is fine as well.

You can send creative writing, papers, college admissions essays, poetry, whatever you like.

At this time I cannot review entire novellas or novels for free. Because I am very busy, I am concentrating on helping grade school, high school, and occasionally college students. This is for occasional help, only. If you want a full-time private tutor outside of the free services available through school district or university, please hire one locally or online. If you are looking to hire an editor to review a work you are trying to publish, let me know.


How does this work?

• E-mail me a piece of your writing--probably a rough draft, but an outline, brainstorming, or a more polished draft is fine, too!
• Make sure to include a first name or nickname and the subject and grade level. My responses to a paper will be different based on whether you are writing a paper about Einstein for your eighth grade history class or your college physics class.
  
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• I graduated from Yale and received my M.Ed. from Harvard.
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• I have been a tutor for very many years, specializing in history, standardized test preparation, and writing.
  
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Besides, it is free...what do you have to lose? Worse case scenario you find my input useless and you just ignore it.


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